that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize