ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
