I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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