You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
