Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
