My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
