I'm lost and stupid without you.
Please, let me fuck your mom
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
