its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she smelled like a LAN party
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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