I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
