well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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