he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
