New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
