If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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