Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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