Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
