She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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