I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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