Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
