I wish they made helmets for livers.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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