I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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