I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
