Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize