She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
