Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
