Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
