I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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