He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize