I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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