I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
