You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize