look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
