You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
