You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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