ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
