Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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