One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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