Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
