if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
