i would punch a child for taco bell
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
