put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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