So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
