The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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