I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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