My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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