Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
