the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we're making bets on your personal life
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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