just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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