yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
