just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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