I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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