i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
