Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
