soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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