come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
