Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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