Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
