Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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