I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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