I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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