Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's blow job season.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize